Just another day.....

Good Morning...it's March 5th. Just another day? For some it could be their birthday, a family members birthday, an anniversary. It always creeps up on me and for 13 years it has been an anniversary Not one to be celebrated, but one I always think that after time it won't affect me as much, but if I admit it - it does. No it's not my wedding anniversary :) - It's the anniversary of my mothers unexpected death. The month before her 58th birthday she died of a brain aneurysm. Many of you have lost your mothers, and for me it was life changing, and I can not imagine for anyone else that it has not been as well. I saw the dynamics of my family change. Guess who mother's my sisters and my dad, whether they want me to or not- lol. That is part of my strong personality. The days following my mothers death, my dad had to be taught how to make coffee, do the laundry and the other household responsibilities that he never dealt with let alone knew how they got done! I witness the sadness of my children at the loss of a doting grandmother who did her absolute best to treat all 10 of her grandchildren as her "favorite" and really what that does to a child's spirit. I hope one day I can pull that one off. I see the pain, to this day, in the eyes of one of my children at the profound effect her grandmothers death had on her. I wonder sometimes if it might have been better that she didn't have that, but in my heart I know that she was lucky to have had it for only a short time.
Everything you expect ends.....just ends! Expecting to go to her house for Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving dinner is gone- expecting a daily morning phone call is gone- expecting her to be there for the milestones in your children's lives (so you can beam with pride and share your experiences of mother hood with your own mother) gone. Expecting to hear her opinion on how you are running your life is gone. I was in my late 30's when my mother died- my heart is sad for those women who lose their mothers before they are married or have their children. My heart has a feeling of envy for those who still have their mothers and for those who did not lose her until she had a chance to share those milestones with them. We all get dealt a separate hand of cards that we have to deal with. I realized just after she died, that I had no control over what happened and had no guilt over our relationship and I think that helped me get through the initial mourning process. Besides, for those who know me well- she's hanging around and when the lights blink on and off for no particular reason- I know she's saying Hi.
What would life be like today if she was still here......very different I am sure. The beautiful perennial gardens around my dads house would still be blooming proudly. The awnings would have been replaced. The carpet in Florida would be at least 10 years old by now (I have been trying to get my dad to replace it for years- The 3" lime green shag that has faded to yellow- he has gotten his money's worth and more out of that one!) Let's just say, he doesn't have anyone, but me, to nag him about these things and I don't count!!! I know she would have been proud of all her grandchildren and they would have known it. My ex-brother-in-law would have been chewed up and spit out during that divorce and most likely would have been living naked on the streets. I just know, things would have been different!
So every year when the anniversary of her death and her birthday arrive, I think it will be easier and I will live it as just another day....but that never happens. I never visit the cemetery, because to me it is just a plot. Although, I must say, my dad had a heartwarming headstone made. For 13 years I have wanted to go out and do a rubbing of it and frame it on my wall. Sounds weird, but I think it would be ok. My sister's visit, polishing, leaving flowers and trimming back the grass. That works for them. On March 5th, I have my little cry and try to carry on. On her birthday, I raise a toast and try to imagine what she would be like at that age. As I approach the age I remember her most - sometimes I will look in the mirror and be startled by how much I look like her as I age. Things change and some things don't. I went over my dad's house looking for something yesterday and her belonging are still there after all this time. Her reading glasses that sat on the counter for about 5 years have made their way to the junk drawer...Hey, I think I could use those now! Her perfume, curling iron, shoes, coats, etc. are still in the place she left them. Time stands still, but goes on. I have to go now....I need a Kleenex!